Gardeners, all of us, have many things in common, but the most widespread is the need to explain why the garden isn’t perfect every time a visitor steps foot in it. I’m as guilty of this as anyone.
But sometimes I’m caught off guard: Someone unexpectedly shows up and, there I am, suddenly in immediate need of an excuse, and dammit, I’m drawing a blank.
So today I spent the afternoon preparing a list of excuses for why my garden isn’t perfect, which I will keep in my wallet. Each excuse should start like this: “I apologize for the awful state of my garden. You see, it would be better were it not for…"
10. My job. There are at least 40 hours every week I could be spending on my garden but can’t. I could quit my job were it not that I’m a rich person trapped in a poor person’s body. Absolute proof that life is not fair. Yep, I’m in constant need of a steady income. It’s the worst of my addictions.
9. The weather. The words I would need to properly express my opinion of the weather cannot be said in mixed company. Well, they can, and actually I use them all the time, but I can’t here. (You see, there’s this editor—her name is Meghan Shinn—and she holds the line on Horticulture policy. I’ve probably said too much already.)
8. Weeds. What the hell? Despite all my blood, sweat and tears and all the lowdown, awful things I’ve done to them over many, many years, how is it they still have such a stubborn will to live? I mean, if I were them, I’d finally get the picture. When it’s obvious I’m not wanted, I usually step aside. Social graces, weeds. Social graces!
7. The Cincinnati Bengals. Four hours out of eighteen to twenty days every year spent watching every play, feeling every hit, sweating every yard, living every win and dying a little with every loss.
6. I’m stupid. I make dumb mistakes. I get carried away and make off-the-rails decisions. I’m a pillar of wishful thinking. A master of “It’s good enough for now.” I’m the world heavyweight champion of “It’s up to the patient now.”
5. I’m too focused. I focus on everything all at once. Why finish only one task when I could be stress-testing myself half to death on the multitasking treadmill?
4. The government. I don’t know why, other than it seems like it’s there to get blamed for stuff.
3. My soil. Well, it’s actually pretty good. But all gardeners seemingly have “terrible soil.” If the excuse works for them, might as well work for me.
2. My lack of motivation. All of the above sometimes discourages me.
And the number one excuse for my garden’s terrible state is…
1. The deer ate it.
